he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
