My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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