she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
