I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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