its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Randomize
