I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
