He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
