fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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