The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
