I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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