I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
