I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
