I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
A bitchslap is in order.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
