He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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