That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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