I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Randomize
