She is in my trunk
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
