the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Randomize
