Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
