You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
