SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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