i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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