remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Randomize
