and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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