There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
