I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
