pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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