At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
