Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
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