Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
