At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
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She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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