How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
