The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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