***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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