Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
