make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
