im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize