im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
