Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
that is very illegal...i love you.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
