she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
