All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
