nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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