i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
