a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
