Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I could fuck to npr.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
