Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize