Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
