I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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