walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
