I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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