TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
