We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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