did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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