he wants to bone in the snuggie
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Randomize