My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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