How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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