YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
