I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
