So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize