Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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