I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
