??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
