bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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