no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
