New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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