Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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