I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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